We're Moving!

IT Team Disney has made Mr. Don an offer we could not refuse - so we are relocating to "the happiest place on earth!" Dr. Dar will be closing her Tallahassee office on 7 Jan 2012 but continue to help clients throughout the world through telephone and email sessions. She will be opening an office in the Orlando/Windermere area as soon as the dust has settled and the furniture is unpacked. Please stay tuned for further updates and announcements... and if she can be of assistance to you with any dilemma or challenge you are facing, please do not hesitate to call/text 480-296-3358 or schedule an appointment through her website at AskDrTreese.com

Is it Love Or Indigestion?

"I cannot live either without you or with you." -Ovid

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A strange phenomenon happens in the bliss of being swept off your feet. Once couples make a commitment to each other, the romantic love may end and a power struggle subtlety begins. As the dance of courtship draws each partner closer, lovers may change their focus solely to the expectation that all their needs will now be met. It's no longer good enough that your partner be affectionate, attentive and fun to be with. Now there is a whole list of expectations (some conscious, but most unconscious) of what (s)he must do in order that you can feel whole, complete and happy. Often clients will tell me that they just don' know what happened to "Mr./Ms. Wonderful" - nothing seems as it was.

We tend to choose partners that have both the positive and negative traits of those who raised us or influenced us early in life. We also are drawn to those who compensate for the positive parts of our personalities that have not been expressed. There is an unconscious belief that our partner will become our ideal surrogate parent, and all we need to do to be happy is form a close, lasting relationship and be worshiped and adored forevermore. When we find out that it is not working, we assume it is because our partner is deliberately ignoring our needs and withholding love. Imagine the nerve that they have to live their own life in pursuit of happiness and not constantly hold us as their center of attention!

The power struggle begins as shock and then denial as you try to put a positive spin on the negative traits that bother you. When the denial no longer works you feel betrayed and deceived. The degree of your pain is the amount of disparity between your ideal fantasy of your partner and your partner's true self that you now see and the focus that you are putting on your own sense of lack. After the anger stage, bargaining sets in. It sounds something like this: "If you will stop drinking, I will be more romantic". Therapy can sometimes prolong the power struggle by negotiating behaviors rather than getting to the core of the problem. And that core is always the feeling that you must do___ for me to be happy and I refuse to be happy until you change. The last stage of a power struggle is despair when couples have no hope of finding happiness and love in the relationship and the pain has gone on too long. Here couples may decide to get divorced or to lead parallel lives and find their fulfillment in activities outside the marriage. If they move on to other relationships, they usually will create the same chaos with a new partner.

The key is to be aware of what is happening early on and to identify and communicate what both partners need and want. There is an "old program" of responses to circumstances that each partner brings into the relationship: a look, a word, a gesture that set off a negative reaction because of previous events and circumstances. The old program is an automatic, unconscious cry-or-criticize response that brings more distance between people. You need a "new program" of emotional detachment from the old program, tempered with reason and a nondefensive approach to criticism. In most interactions with your mate, you are actually safer when you lower your defenses than when you attack in return. Your goal is to make your mate an ally, not an enemy.

The more conscious and aware you become the more flexible and discerning your mind will be in helping you achieve your unconscious goals. Realize you have a hidden purpose in things that are important to you. The fight is never about the situation at hand; it is about something deeper that you desire (usually respect, acknowledgement, appreciation). Be more intentional and direct in asking for what you truly want and need. Create an accurate image of your partner and yourself as well - including both positive and negative traits. Pay attention to what you like and nurture it. Value your partner's needs and desires as much as you value your won. The difficulty of creating a warm, loving and lasting relationship is directly related to your commitment to let go of the drama. Relationships can be easy and natural because it is human nature to want a life without effort - to go with the flow of life rather than constantly paddle upstream. But to be loved, we must first become a lover of life, our partner, our relationship and most importantly, ourselves.

Dr. Darlene Treese has been in private practice in hypnosis and counseling since 1983. She has been internationally acknowledged for her positive action and solution-based therapies with individuals, groups and corporations. "A person for the people," Dr. Dar is always available to help you get a grip on life, health and happiness.

Contact us today to schedule your appointment for an office visit, email or telephone consultation - (480) 296-3358 - or click on Contact Us to send an email.