February Newsletter
What Is This Thing Called Love?
Who We Choose As Partners and Why
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Relishing perfect times. People seem friendlier. Colors are brighter. Food tastes better. The world is transformed to a shimmering newness. Experiencing an improved self-image. Enjoying more energy and enthusiasm and optimism and playfulness. Ahhhh, yes. The joy of romantic attraction and falling in love!
What causes the rush of good feeling that we call romantic love? Scientists have learned that lovers are literally high on drugs - natural hormones and chemicals that flood their bodies with a sense of well-being. During the attraction phase of a relationship, the brain releases neurotransmitters dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin as well as endorphins and enkephalins. These produce a rosy outlook, a rapid pulse, increased energy and a sense of security and comfort. But researchers can't explain what causes the release of these potent chemicals or what causes them to diminish.
In your lifetime you have met thousands of people. A few hundred of them were physically attractive enough or successful enough to catch your eye. Perhaps fifty to one hundred of these matched up to what you were looking for. Logically, you should have fallen in love with scores of people. Yet most people have been deeply attracted to only a few. In fact, when I counsel single people, I hear again and again that "there just aren't any good men/women out there!" The curious fact is that the few people that they are attracted to tend to resemble one another quite closely. Think about the people you have seriously considered or chose as mates. If you listed their predominant personality traits, you would find a lot of similarities - especially on the negative side!
In my studies in psychology and private practice I find that the subconscious mind plays a very big role in whom we choose. From birth to age five your subconscious mind put together a powerful, composite picture of the people who influenced you the most and it recorded everything about them. Whoever your caregivers were, your brain recorded the way they smiled, the way they moved their body, their talents and interests and characteristic moods and your interaction with them. Your brain didn't interpret this information; it just etched it onto a template. To a large degree, whether or not you have been romantically attracted to someone depended on the degree that the person matched the template. If there was little correlation, they became one of the thousands who come and go in your life - there was just no attraction even though they seemed perfect for you. If there was a close match, you felt a sudden surge of interest - even though they had negative traits that you've experienced in people before and promised yourself never again!!
The good news is that you can "upgrade" the template in your subconscious mind and program it to attract the partner that you want in your life or to improve the relationship that you are in. The best way to start is to make your personal compatibility list. Describe in detail what you want in a partner and be sure to include the following:
- Personal interests (hiking, art, travel)
- Basic information (age, appearance)
- Philosophy and moral attitudes
- Education
- Social style (introverted, outgoing, family-oriented, wild)
- Spiritual and religious interests
- Professional and financial goals
- Lifestyle and tastes in entertainment, clothes, healthy living choices (exercise, diet, smoking, drinking, drugs)
Be as specific as you can. Remember the qualities that were missing from past relationships which caused conflicts or problems. If you are in a relationship that is working well, use your compatibility list to locate problem areas as well as remind you how much you have to appreciate about your partner. If you are deciding whether or not to end a relationship, your list can help you understand what is and isn't working between you and your partner. If you are looking for a new relationship, your list can remind you of what you want in a partner and keep you on track as you seek that special person.
Look at your list and become the kind of person that you want to attract in your life. Your subconscious mind then will be magnetized to that special someone because they match the new template. Stand back and watch the endorphins flow!
Dr. Darlene Treese has been in private practice in hypnosis and counseling since 1983. She has been internationally acknowledged for her positive action and solution-based therapies with individuals, groups and corporations. "A person for the people," Dr. Dar is always available to help you get a grip on life, health and happiness.
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